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It’s the weekend and I am back in KL. Bumped into Beng Yau again in the bus. For the 2nd time. He and I asked each other the let’s-find-something-to-talk-about question, "Why are you going back to KL again?"

It’s Mother’s Day and my brother’s birthday this weekend. Definitely would not want to give it a miss, although this time, I didn’t bother finding any presents Haih, I’m just too lazy I guess. I don’t even know what I’ll buy for the both of them if I had the time. Perfume? T-Shirts? Mobile phone? Yep, been there, done that.

Woke up at 12 noon today and proceeded to camp in front of the tv, as usual. Watched a marathon of America’s Next Top Model and regretting cutting my hair short because girls seemed so girly with long hair. The problem with me is, I’m just born with non-straight and non-silky hair, and the problem with me is that I am just not bothered with keeping my hair healthy, using the right shampoo, massage my scalp, using the right moisturizer, apply oil, go for spas and whatever shit females go through for their hair. I’m not. I would like to, I tried, but I just don’t have the discipline because frankly, I don’t give a damn. So I cut my hair short in protest.

It’s just HAIR! Bleh.

In church earlier, I was thinking of a long long lost friend, Tang Wai Keong. I wonder where he is now. I’m not sure why I thought of him all of a sudden while the priest was talking something in front, but I just did. The Klang boy whom I know from mIRC, last occupation was furniture salesman. We used to hang out so much when we were 18. We did many many crazy things. We had this love hate friendship, I guess. I do miss him now. I wonder if he had impregnate a girl, and is therefore married, or he died or something. I don’t have his phone number either. He’s not really an online person, so I guess he doesn’t facebook. Tang Wai Keong, are you still alive? Would love to hear from you.

Oh, my exboyfriend from college is getting married. He has that same attitude like before, even after so many years later now. Our recent MSN conversation went something like this:

Exboyfriend: Where are you ler? Still in Singapore?

Me: Yup.

Exboyfriend: Still go back to KL?

Me: Depends, if got occasions.

Exboyfriend: How’s things?

Me: Good. How about you? Still working in KL? *coughs loser coughs*

Exboyfriend: I’ve already moved in to my new place, shifted everything, how not to stay in Kl ler…

Me: Good. Whereabouts?

Exboyfriend: XXXX.

Me: Icic.

(long pause)

Exboyfriend: See ler how, if you come back to KL, give me a call we go out for drinks.

The thing here is, this loser is getting married soon, so why is he inviting me, his ex girlfriend, for a drink? I can only think of 3 reasons for this: 

1. He wants to show off to me that he’s living in this really posh place and he’s rich now and he’s capable now and dumping him was a wrong thing to do, cos I’m still single and I’m not married yet, which equals to nobody wants me.
2. He’s still in love with me and hasn’t gotten over me.
3. He really thinks that I give a fuck about him.

Please la, get over me. I may be the best damn thing that ever happened to you but, I have never been better since I broke off with you for another worse loser. What did you expect me to say? "Oh ya, you’re the best ler, I shouldn’t have dumped you, please have me back, I will love you as a person, really, this time. I’m not married ler, I’m so at a sad state right now, wow, I really regret ler."

And not getting married doesn’t mean nobody wants me. It just means that I didn’t want you. Do you get the point already? "Not Fate But What We Make" I’m sorry that is just a line from Terminator 3 cos I’m watching it now hahahaha.

As I got out of the bus and out of the station, holding my Virginia Slims, I walked back to my flat all alone. The street was very quiet. Not a single person was at sight, other than some familiar faces of old people sitting by the benches. I was listening to 情人的眼泪 “Qing Ren De Yan Lei” (Lover’s Tears) on my phone.

Classic Chinese song with a certain blue-ness to it.

Couldn’t help but felt miserable and lonely. Missing home a lot. Miss my family, miss my dogs, miss my mum’s cooking, miss my mum’s tea, miss being pampered, miss everything about my home. My tears were uncontrollable.

Thinking….

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE IN THIS SHITHOLE???????????????

…

When I got back, I smiled.
And I knew everything’s going to be ok.

She was attracted to Adam from the very beginning, the first time they met. They were introduced to each other as friends.

He was not very good looking, or rich, or owns several properties and cars and all that sorts. But he was sincere, he was kind and nice, and he was especially very gentleman-ly to the girls.

It was hard finding someone who shares the same things in life as her. They both love music and that was all that matters. All her previous ex boyfriends were rather dickheads, stupid but don’t want to learn, weak but don’t want to improve, and always very masochistic.

But Adam was different from the very beginning. He was always so sweet to her.

And she fell in love with him. More than anyone else she has ever been in love with. But she never had the guts to tell him how she felt about him. She didn’t know why.

Perhaps she didn’t want to get into another relationship quickly. Perhaps she was afraid of losing him.

It was during the period of mooncake festival celebration, and she went out with Adam to shop for lanterns. Stepping into one of the shops selling exquisite lanterns, she bumped into 2 of her ex-boyfriends. They saw her and she saw them. What a small world, she thought. The ex-boyfriends were with their new girlfriends.

When they saw her, they were all suddenly very nice to their girlfriends, holding hands, holding waists, giving hugs and kisses and being mushy all over them. She knew what they were up to. She knew they were being smug about having new partners and showing them off, whilst she was alone. It was an attempt to say serves you right for dumping us.

Adam saw, and Adam knew. He looked at her and gave her a wink. Adam asked the shop owner for the most expensive and most beautiful lantern in the shop. The shop owner nodded, and took out the lantern which was in a glass display outside.

It was really beautiful, made of crystals. Instead of using candles, the conventional way, the lantern lits by a warm light bulb. When it was turned on, there were beautiful lights surrounding them, lights from the bulb, shining through the crystals. Like stars floating in the air. Like snowflakes made out of silver and gold dusts falling onto them. Her heart fluttered, her stomach full of butterflies, she felt like she was in a fairy tale.

Adam paid for the lantern and gave it to her, accompanied with a hug and a peck on the lips. Adam reached for her hands and took her away from the shop. She turned back to see her ex-boyfriends’ expressions. Needless to say, their jaws could have touched the ground.

Adam walked her home, still holding her hands. She was very happy. They have not said a word after leaving the shop. she didn’t know what to say. Thank you would have been too simple and too easy, there were no words to describe how wonderful he has been to her. She wanted to stay in this moment forever. Holding hands with him was such a nice feeling. She felt protected, she felt loved. She felt like on top of the world.

They reached her house sooner than she thought and they both looked at each other. “I really like the lantern, Adam”, she said. Argh, is that all she can afford to tell him?

“No problem,” Adam said. He gave her a hug. She hugged him back.

She suddenly felt very sad, but don’t know why. She felt as though he was going to leave her. She felt like it was a goodbye hug… and tears formed in her eyes.

“What’s wrong dear?”, he asked. Nothing. She smiled and said she was very touched by what he did today. They said their good nights and went home.

The next morning, she received a call from Adam’s mother, asking her to rush to his house as soon as possible. As she said OK and hung up the phone, without asking why or what happened, she was already crying as she was dressing up to go. She knew something bad has happened, but she didn’t want to think how bad it could be.

As she ran to his house, she kept crying. Her tears wouldn’t stop flowing. She has never cried for anyone before, except when her grandfather died. No, she has never cried for anyone else before.

When she reached his house, Adam’s mother was crying. “Adam’s gone,” the mother cried.

She went down on her knees and cried. She felt dizzy and felt like the room was spinning.

She was heartbroken.

For the first time in her life. Really heartbroken.

Dear,

It has been exactly 4 months since we went our separate ways. My life has never been the same without you. Every guy I met, I measured up against you. Deep down in my heart, I know that I would never ever find someone like you.

Days gone by, turning to weeks…months… I find myself slow not thinking of you.

But when I do, I still missed you.

I’d remember back the things that we did together, those laughters, your smile, your care and sensitivity, your voice, your touch and most of all, just being you. Then I think again how complete and perfect my life would be with you by my side. I still feel a part of me is missing… a part of you.

But I know fate has not permitted us to be together. Slowly, I’m beginning to accept that you and I would never have forever… that my life has to go on… that the sun still shines tomorrow… and the world does not stop for my grief.

Sometimes I really feel like avoiding you. But the more I do so, the more my heart tends to move closer to you. I have never stopped thinking about you since you left me, and I’d be so jealous of your new girlfriend now, knowing that she is having what was once mine to hold and love and be loved.

I have to let you go. How can we be friends again? It’s impossible. It hurts me to even look at you.

It hurts me to look at myself in the mirror without you.

In love and war,

4th Nov 2000

I was looking through my old diary, I’ve actually forgotten how romantic I can be with words. But when a person is heart broken, he or she can write anything.

It’s quite funny now. But I know those feelings were real. 

(A belated post.)

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And this blog is 2 years old. 

My day started out with a delivery for me in the morning, a bouquet of roses! 27 stalks!

How lovely  

My first thought was, must be from my family. So true enough, it was. Sigh. I was stupid for a little while to expect that it was from Lee Hom. Stupid stupid. Still, a girl deserves to dream and dreams are free. Of course I know for damn sure that it wasn’t my boyfriend who sent me the flowers because I deliberately asked for an iPod and I’ll be pissed as hell if this flowers were the substitute.

Actually I didn’t expect anything from my family at all, but this was a really nice surprise. I’m so lucky. (But must be the SG dollars I’ve been carrying home muahahahahaha.) 

And as per our office tradition, we always surprise the birthday fella with birthday cake. We’ve done it so many times, it’s always NOT a surprise anymore, cos the birthday fella would expect it.

Like I did. So I read everyone’s moves like the King of Gambler and successfully sabotage my colleague’s plan. And it’s very simple to read their moves, cos it’s usually Jamie the one who brings in the cake from the same door which is right in front of me, that leads to the pantry area, where the cake would be lit up. Cos I’ve done the same thing a couple of million times.

So when she exit the door, I tapped my toes, waited for approximately 48.6 seconds, I made my move. I opened the door and she was behind it, holding the cake.

Borat Success!   Sabo Plan Surprise –> Mission Accomplished.

OK lar, at least my colleagues were still sweet enough to surprise me. Here’s the cake, so full of love:

And a photo of me cutting the cake, as if it is so interesting. (Photo credit to Fook Won)

Although everyday I do think of Lee Hom, but because my birthday was a special occasion when I am officially one year older, I could only think of Lee Hom much more than usual.

So crazy, but cannot control. Cannot work. Talk. Word out. Lee Hom Lee Hom Lee Hom.

Gosh, I’m really going insane. I know my colleagues sensed it, my friends sensed it, they are probably pissing tired of me spewing Lee Hom’s name in autobot mode.

When suddenly, I received an email:

An ecard from Lee Hom???

*click*

- (Died of heart attack.) -

Seems that just an ecard was not enough from Lee Hom!

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

… and again … !!!!!

-_- !!!!!!!!

Heh. Super happy I tell ya.

After work that day a.k.a. fantasy land, my boyfriend took me to Meritus Mandarin at Orchard, to have dinner at the revolving restaurant called ‘M’. Really sweet jek. I was expecting food court but this is acceptable orait. I’ve been to the revolving restaurant at Federal Hotel last year but that was really sucky you know you won’t go the second time.

In short, ‘M’ was so great, stepping into the dining area can even make you cum. The ambience was really romantic and the menu was luxurious. (I wonder if that description made any sense). It was not overly crowded so it was not noisy like a market and table spacing was perfect. The service was greater than best, and oh my, the food was orgasmic too:

They serve French cuisine and I had no complains whatsoever and I do consider myself quite particular about food. Even my boyfriend noticed that I didn’t complain at all. What? I always complain meh…

We had set dinner; a starter, a main course and dessert with coffee/tea. The set can go from S$98 to S$140, so yes, be prepared to pay THE price. But I can seriously tell you, it is worth every penny. We even decided to dine there once a month if we can. I have always been a person of food, I don’t mind paying for good food and wine. Some people view food as go into your stomach come out from asshole and they hold dear to that kind of philosophy. As for me, food is to be enjoyed, to savour, to taste every bit of sweet, sour, salty, bitterness or hot/cold and the texture of food in your mouth; chewy, hard, soft, lumpy… you get the drift.

The highlight of the evening was the string band, consisting of 3 members; 2 on guitar and one on cello. When I heard music, I thought it was from the hotel’s music player. As soon as the music was over, the tables behind us clapped, then I knew it was live. But wow, they sounded really good! And they played slow songs to suit the ambience, some oldies, some classics, some love songs. The band serenaded the diners, asking them if they had any song request, table by table and I knew soon they would come to ours.

This is the moment. In my mind, I had nothing but one objective.

[S A B O T A G E] 

What should I ask them to play? Should I request for Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody or Scorpion’s Still Loving You?

When our turn came, I asked for Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody but got rejected… sigh… and they even laughed nervously. My boyfriend gave me the fuck-off-bitch look and he said he wanted to listen to something romantic. So they discussed for a while, and decided on Boyzone’s Everyday I Love You.

Let me tell you this. I have never been a fan of Boyzone. I have never had a Boyzone song in my music playlist. Ever.

But when this guy started singing, wow. Like a voice of an angel. A male angel; cos angels are like, you know, genderless. He made the song so beautiful. It’s not the song that is beautiful, but his voice and the strings and the band harmonizing together… what a deadly combination to kill all hatred in the air. I think I nearly teared.

One more song to go, so I asked for a Chinese one. He wanted to sing Xiao Wei (alamak). Would totally spoil the whole lovey-dovey mood.

So they sang what all bands in the world would know how to sing, regardless of race.

月亮代表我的心 - The Moon Represents My Heart by Teresa Teng.

  I nearly melted in my chair. So romantic lor.

After dinner, I went to party with my friends at MOS. The worst agenda of the day. You know now MOS is so infested with transvestites? I didn’t know that nobody ever goes there anymore. I wanna see hunks, I wanna see pretty girls, but please, not transvestites lor. It’s ok if they shut their mouth, but when they start talking, it’s like… ok just imagine Angelina Jolie talking and sounding like Hugh Jackman. Hah! Damn geli I tell you! And ever seen guys kissing transvestites and publicly molesting them? Go to MOS! Free fun thrill! Get blinded! Not only that, what’s wrong with the music? What kinda shit are those DJ dishing out? Noise? Even my playlist is better without the mixing hello. Ok friends, thanks for coming, I know you all didn’t enjoy it but it’s OK, cos I didn’t either. Bleh. Next stop, NOT EVER AT MOS duh. MOS sucks big time.

All in all, I had the best ever birthday celebration since years now. It’s great to have friends, it’s great to have you reading this right now. I still feel sometimes it’s a little childish to celebrate birthdays. Unless you’re about to turn 50 years old or something significant…

But I’d like to stay in this moment forever…

birthday roses cake meritus mandarin orchard m food french Ministry of Sound transvestites boyzone the moon represents my heart teresa teng

The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD) shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you’re the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don’t seem to take yourself too seriously, and that’s refreshing. You aren’t uptight; you don’t over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn’t a top priority–a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven’t had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You’re very selective. Your exact female opposite: The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You’re out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. "You’re never truly single as long as you have yourself." ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM) CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM). Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Thanks to Chris, who shared this with me.

I know I sometimes take for granted, the people around me, and especially him, my boyfriend.

I admit that.

But how do I un-take for granted? How do I reverse the effect? Should I have a near death experience so I can appreciate the things around me? Should I always have this thought that today might be the last day on earth for me?

But I can’t always think like that right? It’s such an abnormal thought! And to always be thinking that I might die today, is so unhealthy, and not practical at all.

Well, if it is really my last day on earth, I would spend all my money, go to Taiwan, see Lee Hom, give him a hug and die there on the spot. And after I’m dead, I get to linger around him, and become his guardian angel.

Yeh.

Why sound so scary one?

OK for real.

I’ll probably tell my family that I love them very very much. And I would wanna spend my last hour with them. At that time, nothing else would matter anymore. My wealth, my belongings, I can’t take them with me. What I can take with me are the lessons I learnt here on earth, and the memories I leave with my friends and family.

Actually, I’m sorta having mixed feelings. I am grateful for the things, my family and my friends, what I am today, what I have today.

I’m sure that is not considered taking things for granted since, I’m grateful?

Twisted. How to differentiate between the two? Headache.

I guess everyone takes things for granted somehow. Until we lose it.

Like sometimes we complain so much about life and how unfair it is to us. But what is worse than losing the most important things that we have in order to enjoy life: our five senses? Sight, taste, smell, hearing and touch. Some unlucky ones are born without them.

I think humans are programmed in such a way that only when we lose something, we can fully appreciate it. You cannot argue with our system, it’s non-debatable. It is just is.

I remember when I kinda ‘lost’ my boyfriend (then friend) a few years ago, I cried every night to sleep for the next 2 years. It took me 3 years to get over him. And for 7 years, I kept wondering what he was doing that time, where is he, whether he has a girlfriend … eventhough I was dating another. It was painful. It was also the defining moment in my life. I could remember every detail, every conversation we had, every email we sent when we kept in touch (I tried my very best not to let him go), every ICQ chats we had … like a recorded movie in my mind.

Now that we are finally together, I take him for granted. I don’t wish to, but I can’t help it.

Maybe someone can answer me, how do I un-take him for granted?